Do you ever feel like you need to say something, but you aren't sure what you want to say.. unsure of how it'l chose to tumble from your mouth this time and if anybody will be interested and if you'll feel a pinch of regret about how it sounded or even saying it at all...
Do you ever wonder if people feel the things that you do...
I can sit and stare at someone and see only what they chose to show me but behind their eyes way way back, sometimes i see a hint of what they are trying to hide, or secretly wishing I knew.. Just a quick peek of the strong safe walls they have built up over the years and part of my heart shatters and squeezes inside of me... I don't know if they can tell that I've seen their secrets... Maybe they don't know they have secrets. Maybe they felt a stab of fear as i caught a glimpse of their heart, and quickly tried to make me forget...
Maybe they have been waiting all their life for someone to see their scars.
Sometimes I wonder If anybody feels things as deeply as I do. And than i think, they can't. Unless they hide the parts where they have to almost physically hold their heart down to keep it from jumping out of their chest... and the parts where they catch a glimpse of someones deep hurts and tears start falling without asking...
Why do we try to hide the most important stuff from each other.
When all we want is someone to love US, plus all our scars and bandages.. we hide and shrink from saying anything too personal... anything that might let people in a little too far.
These are the things i wonder.
Life is crazy. and awesome and messy and beautiful, full of heart hiccups, and heart healing hugs, and smiles and love. Full of mornings and daydreams and long walks and wonderment.
I feel like this was just a huuge word vomit of 1/1000th of all the thoughts that bop around in my head at the same time. Lol. Hopefully you don't feel thoroughly puked on. <3
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Fall
The Favorites of Fall:)
1. Favorite Fall scent?
I have to be cliché and say.. pumpkin everything!!! and of course the smell of crunchy leaves, apple cider and cold breezes<3
2. Best way to spend a rainy day?
Curled up in a blanket with a cup of hot tea and a book or a notepad:) Didn't even have to think.
3. Favorite Fall Drink?
Oh dear. I love hot drinks.. Maple hot tea, white hot chocolate or Cranberry apple cider.
4. Favorite article of clothing this Fall?
BOOTS!!! Also scarves, cozy sweaters, and slippers. everything warm and fluffy:)
5. What is your favorite thing to do in Fall?
Make candles.. and go to Fall festivals and fall craft shows:)
6. Favorite fall dessert?
Harvest Chip muffins. pumpkin muffins with chocolate chips and a cream cheese layer...Nuf said.
7. What is your Favorite thing about Fall?
The beautiful vibrant reds and oranges overtaking the forests and the smell of harvest.
8. Favorite Fall food?
Chili and cornbread. or Any soup:)
9. Favorite fall candle?
I'm a candle girl. Asking me to pick a favorite candle is like asking a mother to pick a favorite child. I'll tell you some candles I LOVE. :) Pumpkin Caramel Swirl from Bath and Body Works. SO sweet, caramelly and pumpkiny... AMAZING. Pumpkin Applewood.. I just poured a batch of this scent and it smells absolutely Heavenly. Pumpkin and apple, a combination which is not usually my favorite, However! This has a hint of sweetness and smoked cider or SOMETHING and it smells.. like one of the best smells in the world. Maple Syrup candles I make also... soo amazing. Also pumpkin crumble. :O Just.. all the smells<3
10. Favorite fall accessory?
A scarf to warm me up around my neck and mittens.
11. Favorite fall month?
September. When fall first arrives and the thrill of the chilly air and crunchy leaves and everything else i talked about already.:)
12. Favorite Fall memory?
Fall of 2012:) It took place in Ukraine and all of it was magical and perfectly thrilling<3
You all should answer some or all of these questions:)
1. Favorite Fall scent?
I have to be cliché and say.. pumpkin everything!!! and of course the smell of crunchy leaves, apple cider and cold breezes<3
2. Best way to spend a rainy day?
Curled up in a blanket with a cup of hot tea and a book or a notepad:) Didn't even have to think.
3. Favorite Fall Drink?
Oh dear. I love hot drinks.. Maple hot tea, white hot chocolate or Cranberry apple cider.
4. Favorite article of clothing this Fall?
BOOTS!!! Also scarves, cozy sweaters, and slippers. everything warm and fluffy:)
5. What is your favorite thing to do in Fall?
Make candles.. and go to Fall festivals and fall craft shows:)
6. Favorite fall dessert?
Harvest Chip muffins. pumpkin muffins with chocolate chips and a cream cheese layer...Nuf said.
7. What is your Favorite thing about Fall?
The beautiful vibrant reds and oranges overtaking the forests and the smell of harvest.
8. Favorite Fall food?
Chili and cornbread. or Any soup:)
9. Favorite fall candle?
I'm a candle girl. Asking me to pick a favorite candle is like asking a mother to pick a favorite child. I'll tell you some candles I LOVE. :) Pumpkin Caramel Swirl from Bath and Body Works. SO sweet, caramelly and pumpkiny... AMAZING. Pumpkin Applewood.. I just poured a batch of this scent and it smells absolutely Heavenly. Pumpkin and apple, a combination which is not usually my favorite, However! This has a hint of sweetness and smoked cider or SOMETHING and it smells.. like one of the best smells in the world. Maple Syrup candles I make also... soo amazing. Also pumpkin crumble. :O Just.. all the smells<3
10. Favorite fall accessory?
A scarf to warm me up around my neck and mittens.
11. Favorite fall month?
September. When fall first arrives and the thrill of the chilly air and crunchy leaves and everything else i talked about already.:)
12. Favorite Fall memory?
Fall of 2012:) It took place in Ukraine and all of it was magical and perfectly thrilling<3
You all should answer some or all of these questions:)
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Nostalgic ramblings and Autumn
What is it about new seasons...
Autumn.
it makes me inhale deeper and smile more...
A skip in my step and a fresh breeze burns its way through my lungs and chills my skin in such a lovely way...
I get to put on boots :):):) and scarves. And layers and layers of lovely thick sweaters and socks and slippers and mittens and all sorts of delightful softness.
Something about Fall makes me feel fresh and new and excited about life. Maybe its just the memories of going back to school shopping, and the mind-numbing excitement of the FIRST day of school and new books that smelt like experience and new clothes and new pencils and erasers that are shiny and perfectly proportioned...
The brisk breeze slapping a coat of fresh pink on our noses and cheeks numb from the wind and excitement and coldness tingling our lungs and being out of breath as we flopped in our desks with excited bright faces....
Why do we have to grow up and lose our childish innocent view of the world and lose our excitement for the little things that made our little hearts thrill and jump.. the fear of the needle was so real but when I hugged my teddy bear it was all better... Little feet and little hands that never expected that the world would try to destroy their happiness one day and chew them up and spit them out and that some days they would wake up and dread life and wonder if they ever could be happy again...
Then some day they would become happy and think they loved life but in the back of their mind they would always remember those tiny little feet that wore flashing shoes and that excited little girl with the long braid that everyone pulled that was so excited about field trips that she could go to sleep the night before even if she pinched her little eyes closed so tight she saw little orange speckles...
And my throat tightens as I think of the little hands folded so tight that her fingers turned white as she knelt by the saggy blue couch with her family in the evenings, and she knelt on her little knees and could barely reach the couch to lean on it but she never knew that she would grow up and wish she was little again and wish that fresh little heart never had grown up and found out that things could make your heart hurt so bad that it felt ripped in two, or that she would ever stop skipping in public and hold her daddy's hand less and less often and start to notice how she looked in the mirror and wish she was different and start expecting other peoples' judgement about how she acted and how she dressed and how she looked... and how she sat on her bed with her pictures of horses tacked to the green peeling wallpaper around her and wrote stories about girls that were beautiful and didn't have freckles or little round noses and plain brown hair... that little thing trying to figure out the world and wishing to be someone else, she would have never believed that one day she would wish she could go back and tell herself that she was perfect just the way she was and she didn't need to try and change herself to be lovely.
She would have looked at you with self-conscious green-blue eyes and wondered what her friends would think if she felt that way, and wondered what you meant.
A little brown cupboard that creaked when she opened it covered with chapstick and lotion, walmart body spray and jones bottles... the sound of the frogs in the pond and the cars swishing past through the open window at night... the light pink plywood floor that protested even when small feet stepped on it, bunk beds and geese on the wallpaper... a closet full of dolls and the green shaggy carpet in the hallway...
That her little family would one day be her most precious possession...
That little girl never knew that she was making memories that she would remember when she had become a lady and sit and the table and type amidst tears of bittersweet nostalgia and the memory of innocence of young life.
She didn't know that her sister would survive an accident that was pretty close to death, and that she would forever remember the mixed smell of the hospital and of complete fear and horror of seeing her little sisters body twisted on the ground would clutch her heart for years and make her cry...
Or that her little brothers would grow up and stretch into tall boys and lose the baby cheeks and have to experience the world, even though she wishes that she could just protect them from it..
That her Mom and Dad would grow more precious to her every day, and they would grow more grey hairs and that it would break her heart because she would realize how short life is..
When she was 13 she didn't know that the girl she smiled at in church with the blond braid and glasses would be there through the toughest times in her life, and that they would say goodbye so many times and that they would hold eachother up while they were broken and crying, and that they would have so many eager prayers together and hug eachvother so tight and wish they would never have to let go... and that she would be my bridesmaid on that special day that I had dreamed about my whole life... and would send me off to my honeymoon and then sit with my mom and my sister in my empty bedroom afterwards...
Nostalgia hurts sometimes, and sometimes it just is a happy pain that makes your eyes overflow and your heart feel like it wants to explode.
Its become apparent to me that I don't want to be one of those people that lay on their deathbed and wish they had done things differently and wish that they would have made a better life for themselves. I want to enjoy every single flipping moment I have here, and I aim to do that.
<3
Autumn.
it makes me inhale deeper and smile more...
A skip in my step and a fresh breeze burns its way through my lungs and chills my skin in such a lovely way...
I get to put on boots :):):) and scarves. And layers and layers of lovely thick sweaters and socks and slippers and mittens and all sorts of delightful softness.
Something about Fall makes me feel fresh and new and excited about life. Maybe its just the memories of going back to school shopping, and the mind-numbing excitement of the FIRST day of school and new books that smelt like experience and new clothes and new pencils and erasers that are shiny and perfectly proportioned...
The brisk breeze slapping a coat of fresh pink on our noses and cheeks numb from the wind and excitement and coldness tingling our lungs and being out of breath as we flopped in our desks with excited bright faces....
Why do we have to grow up and lose our childish innocent view of the world and lose our excitement for the little things that made our little hearts thrill and jump.. the fear of the needle was so real but when I hugged my teddy bear it was all better... Little feet and little hands that never expected that the world would try to destroy their happiness one day and chew them up and spit them out and that some days they would wake up and dread life and wonder if they ever could be happy again...
Then some day they would become happy and think they loved life but in the back of their mind they would always remember those tiny little feet that wore flashing shoes and that excited little girl with the long braid that everyone pulled that was so excited about field trips that she could go to sleep the night before even if she pinched her little eyes closed so tight she saw little orange speckles...
And my throat tightens as I think of the little hands folded so tight that her fingers turned white as she knelt by the saggy blue couch with her family in the evenings, and she knelt on her little knees and could barely reach the couch to lean on it but she never knew that she would grow up and wish she was little again and wish that fresh little heart never had grown up and found out that things could make your heart hurt so bad that it felt ripped in two, or that she would ever stop skipping in public and hold her daddy's hand less and less often and start to notice how she looked in the mirror and wish she was different and start expecting other peoples' judgement about how she acted and how she dressed and how she looked... and how she sat on her bed with her pictures of horses tacked to the green peeling wallpaper around her and wrote stories about girls that were beautiful and didn't have freckles or little round noses and plain brown hair... that little thing trying to figure out the world and wishing to be someone else, she would have never believed that one day she would wish she could go back and tell herself that she was perfect just the way she was and she didn't need to try and change herself to be lovely.
She would have looked at you with self-conscious green-blue eyes and wondered what her friends would think if she felt that way, and wondered what you meant.
A little brown cupboard that creaked when she opened it covered with chapstick and lotion, walmart body spray and jones bottles... the sound of the frogs in the pond and the cars swishing past through the open window at night... the light pink plywood floor that protested even when small feet stepped on it, bunk beds and geese on the wallpaper... a closet full of dolls and the green shaggy carpet in the hallway...
That her little family would one day be her most precious possession...
That little girl never knew that she was making memories that she would remember when she had become a lady and sit and the table and type amidst tears of bittersweet nostalgia and the memory of innocence of young life.
She didn't know that her sister would survive an accident that was pretty close to death, and that she would forever remember the mixed smell of the hospital and of complete fear and horror of seeing her little sisters body twisted on the ground would clutch her heart for years and make her cry...
Or that her little brothers would grow up and stretch into tall boys and lose the baby cheeks and have to experience the world, even though she wishes that she could just protect them from it..
That her Mom and Dad would grow more precious to her every day, and they would grow more grey hairs and that it would break her heart because she would realize how short life is..
When she was 13 she didn't know that the girl she smiled at in church with the blond braid and glasses would be there through the toughest times in her life, and that they would say goodbye so many times and that they would hold eachother up while they were broken and crying, and that they would have so many eager prayers together and hug eachvother so tight and wish they would never have to let go... and that she would be my bridesmaid on that special day that I had dreamed about my whole life... and would send me off to my honeymoon and then sit with my mom and my sister in my empty bedroom afterwards...
Nostalgia hurts sometimes, and sometimes it just is a happy pain that makes your eyes overflow and your heart feel like it wants to explode.
Its become apparent to me that I don't want to be one of those people that lay on their deathbed and wish they had done things differently and wish that they would have made a better life for themselves. I want to enjoy every single flipping moment I have here, and I aim to do that.
<3
Friday, August 28, 2015
Twilight and Moonshine...
I found my joy when the sky swept down and carried me up beside the stars,
in its soft arms of milky twilight and moonshine...
and saved me from the monsters in my head.
In the midst of my pain I found comfort up there, and felt like I had finally found a friend.
We hugged as the light poured in and the stars fell asleep for the day...
We laughed and we shared a sigh that made us feel less alone...
Me and the sky became friends that night,
and though we'd met before we never knew that we were meant to be best friends.
Starry Explosions and Stardust surround...
our secretive silent retreat...
A trickle of twilight sweeps over the sky...
bathing the world in blue...
A whisper of wind turned the leaves upside down...
and tickled the back of my neck,
It silently sent me a sweet serenade...
and invited me up to a sparkly parade.
The clouds tinged in purple exploded in color and rainbow-like sprinkles rained down on our heads...
A lilting expression of wonder and wishes was brushing our faces with delicate kisses.
And we sat there in silence 'til morning came home and melted the starlight away,
and then we slowly stood up, said our good-byes and promised to write...
We never forgot our most wonderful day.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
My Favorite Bits from July
Where is this summer going?! July, GONE. Gone with the wind, faster than I could say cheese. NOT impressed. This has been the best summer of ALL TIME. I don't know why... I suppose lots of beach days and lots of other stuff made it a great month. :) Here are my favorite bits.
BEACH DAYS.
I've had probably close to 8 beach days so far this year, which is a record for me. I LOVE IT!!! This is my first summer since I was a young child that I havn't had a full-on job... so... yeah that explains it enough. I am soo lucky to be so close to an awesome sandy beach. * heart eyes*
"Coconut Leaves" candle by Bath and Body Works-
a Sweet, desserty, but fresh at the same time, coconutty GOODNESS. Nuff said.
My flowers.
They were beautiful, lush, huge and pink. I love flowers and summer<3<3<3
SUNSCREEN!
Lol. Along with all my beach days came days of pain and excruciating burned-ness. SO my Hawaiian Tropics SPF 30 sparkly YUMMY smelling sunscreen to slather on the shoulders and keep it comfy in for the next few days. :)
Crush perfume from Boathouse-
I found this scent when I was about 14 and went through about 10 bottles in the next few years and to this day the smell makes me nostalgic and happy about when I used to wear it;) It was on sale for 5$ a bottle the other day and i got some, very happily!
Also, Its 4 days into August BUT... I've had so many favorites these last few days that I have to include them!
MY FURNITURE!!!! I made my own chalk paint for super cheap and painted an adorable kitchen hutch I am keeping for Amberlynn, an adorable toy box/bench I got at the town wide garage sale a few weeks ago, and 2 crates, guess what color, white and distressed. Lol. You win the prize if you guessed that right. My kitchen, entry-way, and living-room are so bright and cheery minus the dingy brown wood stuff!!! heart eyes for that!
My new coffee table!-
which is just a cedar chest I moved to the middle of the room to make room under my white round mirror for my adorable newly painted white bench, and upon it I plopped a 1$ thrift store tin tray(spray-painted white gloss) and a beautiful clear glass pitcher with a distressed silver handle full of (fake) flowers and a little birdcage and ceramic bird and a stack of Style At Home magazines. (My favorite!) ADORABLE!!
My pillow cases!!!
I got 4 brand new square pillows at a thift store for 2$ each and I was across the border at HOBBY LOBBY (my favorite place evers) and the pillow cases were 50% off and I got these that I REALLY like and they look nice on my couch.
Also, Family times:) With my family and the In-laws, we've had fun times at the beach and other random stuff:) Life is good. <3
I can't think of anything else right at this exact moment.
BEACH DAYS.
I've had probably close to 8 beach days so far this year, which is a record for me. I LOVE IT!!! This is my first summer since I was a young child that I havn't had a full-on job... so... yeah that explains it enough. I am soo lucky to be so close to an awesome sandy beach. * heart eyes*
"Coconut Leaves" candle by Bath and Body Works-
a Sweet, desserty, but fresh at the same time, coconutty GOODNESS. Nuff said.
My flowers.
They were beautiful, lush, huge and pink. I love flowers and summer<3<3<3
SUNSCREEN!
Lol. Along with all my beach days came days of pain and excruciating burned-ness. SO my Hawaiian Tropics SPF 30 sparkly YUMMY smelling sunscreen to slather on the shoulders and keep it comfy in for the next few days. :)
Crush perfume from Boathouse-
I found this scent when I was about 14 and went through about 10 bottles in the next few years and to this day the smell makes me nostalgic and happy about when I used to wear it;) It was on sale for 5$ a bottle the other day and i got some, very happily!
Also, Its 4 days into August BUT... I've had so many favorites these last few days that I have to include them!
MY FURNITURE!!!! I made my own chalk paint for super cheap and painted an adorable kitchen hutch I am keeping for Amberlynn, an adorable toy box/bench I got at the town wide garage sale a few weeks ago, and 2 crates, guess what color, white and distressed. Lol. You win the prize if you guessed that right. My kitchen, entry-way, and living-room are so bright and cheery minus the dingy brown wood stuff!!! heart eyes for that!
My new coffee table!-
which is just a cedar chest I moved to the middle of the room to make room under my white round mirror for my adorable newly painted white bench, and upon it I plopped a 1$ thrift store tin tray(spray-painted white gloss) and a beautiful clear glass pitcher with a distressed silver handle full of (fake) flowers and a little birdcage and ceramic bird and a stack of Style At Home magazines. (My favorite!) ADORABLE!!
My pillow cases!!!
I got 4 brand new square pillows at a thift store for 2$ each and I was across the border at HOBBY LOBBY (my favorite place evers) and the pillow cases were 50% off and I got these that I REALLY like and they look nice on my couch.
Also, Family times:) With my family and the In-laws, we've had fun times at the beach and other random stuff:) Life is good. <3
I can't think of anything else right at this exact moment.
Friday, July 31, 2015
In My Spare Time...
In my spare time I sit and stare out the window and think about life.
Dishes rest peacefully on the counters, but my Coconut candle is filling my house with aromas so delicious that they cover any hint of smelliness.
My couch is hiding under the laundry, but I smile because at least it's clean.
In my spare time, I don't neglect my sanity. I may sit here and type nonchalantly sipping my ice water, I'm still wearing my pjs and it's almost noon, but I sit here with a smile on my face and a light heart.
I am learning to not feel guilty for reading in my spare time when I could be cleaning my house, but nobody ever had an adventure cleaning their house like I am when I'm sittin cozy on my couch with my steaming cup of tea, cozy in my little life in my little blue house on the corner of the street...
I might as well enjoy it rather than sitting and guiltily trying not to look the mess in the eye.
I love a clean house, and I much prefer it that way, but at the end of the day when I'm tired and just need to relax, I won't go beating myself up for having dirty dishes filling my counters and laundry on the couch.
Because... life is good.
Dishes rest peacefully on the counters, but my Coconut candle is filling my house with aromas so delicious that they cover any hint of smelliness.
My couch is hiding under the laundry, but I smile because at least it's clean.
In my spare time, I don't neglect my sanity. I may sit here and type nonchalantly sipping my ice water, I'm still wearing my pjs and it's almost noon, but I sit here with a smile on my face and a light heart.
I am learning to not feel guilty for reading in my spare time when I could be cleaning my house, but nobody ever had an adventure cleaning their house like I am when I'm sittin cozy on my couch with my steaming cup of tea, cozy in my little life in my little blue house on the corner of the street...
I might as well enjoy it rather than sitting and guiltily trying not to look the mess in the eye.
I love a clean house, and I much prefer it that way, but at the end of the day when I'm tired and just need to relax, I won't go beating myself up for having dirty dishes filling my counters and laundry on the couch.
Because... life is good.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
I am worth it.
There is a large tumbling bubble of STUFF that has been weighing on my heart for quite a while. I hope I can explain and get my thoughts out sufficiently... It might take awhile. :)
It has to do with Love.
Some of us women have a little demon that likes to pop its evil little ugly head up when we look in the mirror, look at other women, think about ourselves, think about other women... we compare the things we are good at and bad at, how we look, what we weigh, how people treat us, to the people around us.
"Why is SHE so good at everything?" "Why can't I do that very well?" "I don't understand. How can she do it ALL so well?" "Why does she look so nice all the time?!"
The taunting little voice of doubt and pity turn louder and louder until they echo through our minds by the thousand and drown out our pleas of peace and Slam into our heart repeatedly as though trying to break through walls. They don't give up, they haunt us in our darkest hours. They refuse to leave us alone, and kick us when we are down. Evil evil little demons that try to make us believe that we are worth less than what we have been taught, and trick even our minds to hate the mirror.
More than ever it tries to haunt me. Mirrors turn into enemies and even my eyes grow dark with anger at the sight of all the things about myself that I want to change. Restless hatred of my faults and weaknesses pounded my head with reminders of my failure...
Sadness echoed from my thoughts as I tried to push away the wonderings. "WHY? Why do I struggle with these things? Why do they treat me like that? Why can't I love myself anymore? What is wrong with me? Why can't I quiet these voices and find rest?" Endless questions, all plagued with doubt to feed the hungry devils gnawing my soul to a pit of nothing.
That starving hunger to feel like you are ENOUGH, despite how lovely anyone reassures you that you are, will never leave you alone until you realize the truth. That you ARE Enough, you always were enough. So worth it that God sent His most beloved Child to face death, alone, for YOU. YOU were the reason... He was willing for his Son to Die and be tortured, because He wanted YOUR soul to be saved. It was so precious to Him that he dare not lose it. How His heart must have been broken into shreds watching His son in so much pain and suffering, and at the same time bursting from the Joy of saving your soul and giving you the chance to live FREE. Free from the chains of hell and free from the hopeless endless flames.
Only in understanding this, in the small way we can try, I realized that Living like I am worth it was merely a side effect of understanding just how MUCH God loves Me.
Tears drop as I write because of the hope in that statement. Until I believe it completely, I can never convince myself of my worth. Without His Love, I am worth nothing.
He doesn't love you because He needs you, but because He wants you.
And then it all makes sense. That I will never be "enough" for myself and my pangs of insecurity, only for Him. The more I strive to prove myself worthy, pretty, kind, talented or loving, the farther I am away from understanding my worth. Only in HIM do I have security or certainty of Love for myself and others.
You have been intricately painted and shaped; painstakingly He added your details and habits and quirks.. with a soft smile taking over His face He stretched the places He knew would make you special, and gave you that crooked little smile for when you feel treasured and the lips that would part in wonder when the raindrops fell and knees that would kneel in worship to Him. A tear dripped as He carved out your tendancy to care for others and carry their burdens with them and feel their heart breaking as if it were your own... with careful tenderness he shaped the fingers that would write out praises and prayers and questions and answers... and He kissed them individually as He thought of the souls you would touch for His sake.
Truly, You Are Enough.
It has to do with Love.
Some of us women have a little demon that likes to pop its evil little ugly head up when we look in the mirror, look at other women, think about ourselves, think about other women... we compare the things we are good at and bad at, how we look, what we weigh, how people treat us, to the people around us.
"Why is SHE so good at everything?" "Why can't I do that very well?" "I don't understand. How can she do it ALL so well?" "Why does she look so nice all the time?!"
The taunting little voice of doubt and pity turn louder and louder until they echo through our minds by the thousand and drown out our pleas of peace and Slam into our heart repeatedly as though trying to break through walls. They don't give up, they haunt us in our darkest hours. They refuse to leave us alone, and kick us when we are down. Evil evil little demons that try to make us believe that we are worth less than what we have been taught, and trick even our minds to hate the mirror.
More than ever it tries to haunt me. Mirrors turn into enemies and even my eyes grow dark with anger at the sight of all the things about myself that I want to change. Restless hatred of my faults and weaknesses pounded my head with reminders of my failure...
Sadness echoed from my thoughts as I tried to push away the wonderings. "WHY? Why do I struggle with these things? Why do they treat me like that? Why can't I love myself anymore? What is wrong with me? Why can't I quiet these voices and find rest?" Endless questions, all plagued with doubt to feed the hungry devils gnawing my soul to a pit of nothing.
That starving hunger to feel like you are ENOUGH, despite how lovely anyone reassures you that you are, will never leave you alone until you realize the truth. That you ARE Enough, you always were enough. So worth it that God sent His most beloved Child to face death, alone, for YOU. YOU were the reason... He was willing for his Son to Die and be tortured, because He wanted YOUR soul to be saved. It was so precious to Him that he dare not lose it. How His heart must have been broken into shreds watching His son in so much pain and suffering, and at the same time bursting from the Joy of saving your soul and giving you the chance to live FREE. Free from the chains of hell and free from the hopeless endless flames.
Only in understanding this, in the small way we can try, I realized that Living like I am worth it was merely a side effect of understanding just how MUCH God loves Me.
Tears drop as I write because of the hope in that statement. Until I believe it completely, I can never convince myself of my worth. Without His Love, I am worth nothing.
He doesn't love you because He needs you, but because He wants you.
And then it all makes sense. That I will never be "enough" for myself and my pangs of insecurity, only for Him. The more I strive to prove myself worthy, pretty, kind, talented or loving, the farther I am away from understanding my worth. Only in HIM do I have security or certainty of Love for myself and others.
You have been intricately painted and shaped; painstakingly He added your details and habits and quirks.. with a soft smile taking over His face He stretched the places He knew would make you special, and gave you that crooked little smile for when you feel treasured and the lips that would part in wonder when the raindrops fell and knees that would kneel in worship to Him. A tear dripped as He carved out your tendancy to care for others and carry their burdens with them and feel their heart breaking as if it were your own... with careful tenderness he shaped the fingers that would write out praises and prayers and questions and answers... and He kissed them individually as He thought of the souls you would touch for His sake.
Truly, You Are Enough.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
The kind of day today was.
Today was a great day. A "go to Bath and Body Works semi-annual sale" kind of day. And a "buy body sprays in the multiple for 3 dollars each" kind of day. You can't go wrong with one of these days. Heehee.
It was also a "get up early and do cardio" one. A feel great day all around.
When I left the house this morning the sun was shining in one of those hot "beating down" ways and big jungle storm rain drops started dropping left right and center. It was a beautiful rainbow kind of moment where you wonder how the 2 most amazing things, sun and rain, can mingle and dance together in a magical moment of bliss. A moment where you look up and your breath is lost and your eyes drift close and your arms lift and the smile of a thousand stars tickles your lips to the tune of the pounding raindrops echoing off the earth.
Did I ever tell you how much I love the book Anne of Green Gables? Please tell me if you share in the love and we can share a special moment haha. You know one of those where somebody says they love something and then you kind of open your eyes real wide and can't get words out past the excitement and kind of point to them and you and them and you really fast with an idiotic grin filling your face and squeal "ME TOO!". I listened to the audio book a couple of months ago and I think I'm itching for another dose.
I sort of see the world through the same kind of eyes as she does sometimes.
I'm kind of just a dreamer.....;)
It was also a "get up early and do cardio" one. A feel great day all around.
When I left the house this morning the sun was shining in one of those hot "beating down" ways and big jungle storm rain drops started dropping left right and center. It was a beautiful rainbow kind of moment where you wonder how the 2 most amazing things, sun and rain, can mingle and dance together in a magical moment of bliss. A moment where you look up and your breath is lost and your eyes drift close and your arms lift and the smile of a thousand stars tickles your lips to the tune of the pounding raindrops echoing off the earth.
Did I ever tell you how much I love the book Anne of Green Gables? Please tell me if you share in the love and we can share a special moment haha. You know one of those where somebody says they love something and then you kind of open your eyes real wide and can't get words out past the excitement and kind of point to them and you and them and you really fast with an idiotic grin filling your face and squeal "ME TOO!". I listened to the audio book a couple of months ago and I think I'm itching for another dose.
I sort of see the world through the same kind of eyes as she does sometimes.
I'm kind of just a dreamer.....;)
Monday, June 8, 2015
My current state of mind
Outside my window...the bright June sunshine is drying the raindrops from the grass and birds are chirping cheerily. It POURED rain all night:)
Thanks to this lady for the idea;P
Hope you all are having a beautiful day wherever you are!!!
I am thinking....about the fact that I forgot to start the washing machine a few hours ago. Ahem. I'll be back.
I am thankful...for pouring rain!!! <3 *besotted sigh*
In the kitchen...a Fresh Cucumber candle is burning. I'm usually not into fresh scent (sweet scents are my LOVE) but this one smells really really delicious! Also I am in love with my hand soap that is called Love, Peach, Joy from bath and body works. MMMM!!!! (hand soap, I know, soo interesting. welcome to my life.)
I am wearing...a flowy light purple dress with white retro looking floral print and a lace belt tied around it.
I am creating... a blog post mwahahaha!!
I am going... to finish cleaning out my back room... I prooomise... sometime...(this year hopefully) (resigned embarrassed harrumph)
I am reading.... One Thousand Gifts Devotional by Ann Voskamp. It is the best devotional I have ever read!!! She is such a poetic writer and her thoughts are very complex and lovely.
I am hoping...for the most amazing summer of all time:)
I am looking forward to...This SUMMER!!! I want to go camping and one of my favorite things about summer is going to the beach for supper, campfire and Canada Day fireworks.
I am learning...How to have the self-discipline to do certain things every day to make me feel better and have a better day. (get up on time, work out, morning devotions, eating healthy and taking my vitamins, etc.)
Around the house....cool fresh grass smells are wafting from the windows.
One of my favorite things....is the feeling of being absolutely completely overwhelmingly HAPPY and content. <3 Thanks to this lady for the idea;P
Hope you all are having a beautiful day wherever you are!!!
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Just out of reach
Just Out Of Reach
This is my favoritest thing I have ever written in my life I think.
There's something about one's own words that they wrote out of the depths of their imagination that is just so gratifying and awe-striking to see that on paper it is just as magical as when one felt it.
One of my favorite feelings ever.
This is my favoritest thing I have ever written in my life I think.
There's something about one's own words that they wrote out of the depths of their imagination that is just so gratifying and awe-striking to see that on paper it is just as magical as when one felt it.
One of my favorite feelings ever.
Hey!! Pssst!
:)
Let me tell you a secret.
This is gonna be my little hideaway where I sneak away to share little raindrops and sunbeams from my day and my daydreams and tidbits of my cute lil wife life. So grab a cup of hot tea and come with me and we can whisper funny stuff and make a day of it!!!
That would make me really excited. :) (Lots of smiley faces. Because I'm happy heh heh.)
I went to the beach today. It was........... glorious. Warm sand, happy thoughts... I feel so refreshed. Something about dozing in the warm sun with the sound of gently lapping waves soothes me...
Anyways. I hope this is as fun for you as it is for me. I love writing by the way. and rain on a window pane. Tell me what you like. Then we can have a secret little sharing session and make each other happy. :)
Let me tell you a secret.
This is gonna be my little hideaway where I sneak away to share little raindrops and sunbeams from my day and my daydreams and tidbits of my cute lil wife life. So grab a cup of hot tea and come with me and we can whisper funny stuff and make a day of it!!!
That would make me really excited. :) (Lots of smiley faces. Because I'm happy heh heh.)
I went to the beach today. It was........... glorious. Warm sand, happy thoughts... I feel so refreshed. Something about dozing in the warm sun with the sound of gently lapping waves soothes me...
Anyways. I hope this is as fun for you as it is for me. I love writing by the way. and rain on a window pane. Tell me what you like. Then we can have a secret little sharing session and make each other happy. :)
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