There is a large tumbling bubble of STUFF that has been weighing on my heart for quite a while. I hope I can explain and get my thoughts out sufficiently... It might take awhile. :)
It has to do with Love.
Some of us women have a little demon that likes to pop its evil little ugly head up when we look in the mirror, look at other women, think about ourselves, think about other women... we compare the things we are good at and bad at, how we look, what we weigh, how people treat us, to the people around us.
"Why is SHE so good at everything?" "Why can't I do that very well?" "I don't understand. How can she do it ALL so well?" "Why does she look so nice all the time?!"
The taunting little voice of doubt and pity turn louder and louder until they echo through our minds by the thousand and drown out our pleas of peace and Slam into our heart repeatedly as though trying to break through walls. They don't give up, they haunt us in our darkest hours. They refuse to leave us alone, and kick us when we are down. Evil evil little demons that try to make us believe that we are worth less than what we have been taught, and trick even our minds to hate the mirror.
More than ever it tries to haunt me. Mirrors turn into enemies and even my eyes grow dark with anger at the sight of all the things about myself that I want to change. Restless hatred of my faults and weaknesses pounded my head with reminders of my failure...
Sadness echoed from my thoughts as I tried to push away the wonderings. "WHY? Why do I struggle with these things? Why do they treat me like that? Why can't I love myself anymore? What is wrong with me? Why can't I quiet these voices and find rest?" Endless questions, all plagued with doubt to feed the hungry devils gnawing my soul to a pit of nothing.
That starving hunger to feel like you are ENOUGH, despite how lovely anyone reassures you that you are, will never leave you alone until you realize the truth. That you ARE Enough, you always were enough. So worth it that God sent His most beloved Child to face death, alone, for YOU. YOU were the reason... He was willing for his Son to Die and be tortured, because He wanted YOUR soul to be saved. It was so precious to Him that he dare not lose it. How His heart must have been broken into shreds watching His son in so much pain and suffering, and at the same time bursting from the Joy of saving your soul and giving you the chance to live FREE. Free from the chains of hell and free from the hopeless endless flames.
Only in understanding this, in the small way we can try, I realized that Living like I am worth it was merely a side effect of understanding just how MUCH God loves Me.
Tears drop as I write because of the hope in that statement. Until I believe it completely, I can never convince myself of my worth. Without His Love, I am worth nothing.
He doesn't love you because He needs you, but because He wants you.
And then it all makes sense. That I will never be "enough" for myself and my pangs of insecurity, only for Him. The more I strive to prove myself worthy, pretty, kind, talented or loving, the farther I am away from understanding my worth. Only in HIM do I have security or certainty of Love for myself and others.
You have been intricately painted and shaped; painstakingly He added your details and habits and quirks.. with a soft smile taking over His face He stretched the places He knew would make you special, and gave you that crooked little smile for when you feel treasured and the lips that would part in wonder when the raindrops fell and knees that would kneel in worship to Him. A tear dripped as He carved out your tendancy to care for others and carry their burdens with them and feel their heart breaking as if it were your own... with careful tenderness he shaped the fingers that would write out praises and prayers and questions and answers... and He kissed them individually as He thought of the souls you would touch for His sake.
Truly, You Are Enough.